MTV VMAs 2009

OlyVil, can I tell you how much I love you? I love you so much that I am going to blog the 2009 VMAs tonight. This in and of itself isn’t quite the grand gesture of love, I know, but considering I have been up since 5am, worked a really long shift after which I immediately went grocery shopping and got 150% drenched in a thunderstorm [we're talkin', barefoot in ankle-deep water, people], and am severely in need of a nap, and compounded with the fact that tonight is the season finale of True Blood and I am STILL going to blog the VMAs tonight, I hope you know now how much I love you, OlyVil.

If run-on sentences don’t prove it, I don’t know what will.

In any case, the VMAs are back home in New York this year, and I am so glad, because we know from last year (and the ridiculous Miami years) that the Video Music Awards are just huge roflfests when they’re hosted anywhere except the iconic Radio City Music Hall.

iJustine is randomly providing twitter commentary live at the show this year. I really want to hate her half the time, but I can’t, because she’s honestly pretty cute and just seems like a nice girl. And right after they introduce her, they cut to Sway and Shakira, which makes me laugh because of iJustine’s ridiculous SheWolf spoof:

.

Lady Gaga shows up, and her date is Kermit the frog. That’s cute, not gonna lie, but her dress is … obnoxious. I’M SORRY. I LOVE HER MUSIC BUT I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER OTHERWISE. She’s wearing some kind of obnoxious neck brace and the bitch cannot even move in it. She keeps bending over to give Kermit kisses and she nearly knocks over Sway every time with the angle she has to contord herself in order to bend. Idiot.

At least Kermit still looks adorable.

Okay, time for some pictures during a commercial break. First, the ladies of The Hills, because I love that show even though I have absolutely zero reason to:

Lo Bosworth, with whom I normally want to be BFF, looks absolutely terrifying in this shot, dude. TERRIFYING.

Stephanie Pratt looks very... Dallas.

I pretty much HATE Kristin Cavallari, but I think she's gorgeous and she looks great.

One of the two original Moon Men, Buzz Aldrin, showed up with his wife Lois. Totally random, but cute:

Moon Menz.

Right now, they’re showing the music video for the new Fame, and I 100% could not care less, so I’m ignoring it.

Katy Perry looks like a skank ho. As usual.

It just occurred to me that I have no idea who is hosting this year’s ceremony. And where the hell is Britney? OH, Russel Brand is hosting again. That should be… interesting.

Taylor Swift arrived in a friggen Cinderella carriage, and it would have been really obnoxious if it was anyone other than Taylor Swift. I cannot tell a lie, guys, I unapologetically love her. And I normally HATE country music so it’s like doubly inexplicable. Either way, I think she’s adorable, whatever whatever. I’m excited for her stupid performance.

ANTM’s lesbo Kim MTV News girl whatever is interviewing Fefe Dobson, and all I can think of is why the hell is she even there? Was there a Fefe Dobson renaissance while I was ignoring MTV in the weeks after the most recent season of The Hills ended?

Why do you exist, Fefe Dobson?

Beyonce is on the carpet now, and she’s gorgeous as usual I HATE HER. I’m just kidding, I don’t really hate her. I’M JUST SAYING, I HATE HER OUT OF PRINCIPLE OF BEING TOO GORGEOUS.

Love her dress. She looks good.

Okay, the show is about to start, and from what everyone says, it opens with a tribute to Michael Jackson, of course. Madonna is walking out, holy guac, she’s still alive? JUST KIDDING, JUST KIDDING. She actually looks unterrifying despite how she’s looked recently in the tabloids. Now she’s comparing herself to Michael Jackson. I will not cry during ANOTHER Michael Jackson tribute, okay? I just won’t.

Yeah right. I’ll let you know the second I start sobbing my face off.

Pete Wentz is bowing his head. It’s not CHURCH, Petey.

Madonna’s anecdote is loooong as hell. All I can think of right now is that if Russel Brand comes out and makes some off-color joke about the whole thing, I’m gonna be PO’d. Madonna finally steps off, and Thriller starts playing. THERE ARE ZOMBIES! And I can’t get up and dance along because I am blogging. BLAST. The main dancers are all wearing costumes from different parts of Michael’s career, and I’m loving it. Someone has on the red Thriller jacket. Two others have the military jackets. Another has the classic white shirt and too-short black pants and loafers.

VMA MJ Tribute

VMA MJ Tribute

Smooth Criminal starts playing and I’m FREAKING OUT cos this is by far my favorite MJ song, not even gonna lie.

Omgggg they’re playing Scream and now I’m sure Janet is gonna come out, and I’m so excited. THERE SHE IS. She looks great. Aw, dang. Michael is dancing right behind her in the video and she’s mimicking his moves and I love it. And it ends with a shot of Janet and Michael hugging and I’m on the verge of tears but HOLDING IT TOGETHER, OKAY?

Janet Jackson

The show officially starts now and Katy Perry is singing We Will Rock You, with Joe Perry on guitar. This is such a farce. At least Katy Perry is wearing pants for once in her miserable life. Russel Brand makes his big entrance. Big whoop. He’s already making off-color jokes and it’s pretty disgusting. Whatever whatever. Does anyone actually like this guy?

Okay whatever. Let’s do this. Shakira and Taylor Lautner come out to present Best Female Video. Oh, I get it. A SheWolf and a Werewolf. Oh, MTV, you’re so clever. The nominees are Lady Gaga for Poker Face, Kelly Clarkson for My Life Would Suck Without You [TERRIBLE SONG BTW], Beyonce for Single Ladies, Taylor Swift for You Belong With Me, Katy Perry for Hot N Cold, and P!nk for So What. The winner: Taylor Swift!

!!!! AW, TAYLOR SWIFT. She looks completely shocked and its adorable. I love her WHY. WHY DO I LOVE HER SO MUCH? UH, KANYE WEST LITERALLY JUST YANKED THE MIC OUT OF TAYLOR’S HAND AND WAS LIKE “EXCUSE ME, BUT BEYONCE HAD THE BEST VIDEO OF THE YEAR.”

WHAT THE HELL, KANYE? ARE YOU EVER NOT A COMPLETE ASSHOLE? SERIOUSLY? I CAN’T ACTUALLY TURN OFF MY CAPSLOCK BECAUSE I AM SO OFFENDED ON TAYLOR’S BEHALF RIGHT NOW.

HATE HIM.

Video is already uploaded! Heck yes:

UGH EFF YOU, KANYE.

Leighton Meester and Jack Black

Leighton Meester and Jack Black come out, and Jack Black is wearing some weird muscle costume. Well, okay. Leighton looks beautiful. Also, annoyed. They’re presenting Best Rock Video, Coldplay for Viva La Vida.. really? That’s ROCK? Fall Out Boy for… something. Green Day for 21 Guns, Kings of Leon for Use Somebody, and Paramore for Decode. And the winner is GREEN DAY!, and Kim probably dies of excitement. Although she probably would have died for Coldplay too.

Billie Joe Armstrong is so small.

The smallness of Billie Joe never fails to make me giggle. Also, you know you’re old when Green Day wins a VMA, and Billie Joe gives a shout out to his son for his birthday. Old.

And now its TayTay’s performance, and she’s performing from the 42nd street subway? Well, okay. Aw, I wanna be on her train. SHE ALMOST FELL OVER. HILAR. Aw, honey. This performance is really cute, okay? It’s just cute. There are people in the crowd making heart signs with their fingers and it’s just adorable. New York, when did you get so cute?

Pete Wentz and Gabe Saporta or whatever the heck from Cobra Starship just came out. Wow. And they’re totally annoying. Awesome. Pete Wentz is TINY. Has he always been so tiny? THEY’RE INTRODUCING LADY GAGA. HECK YES. LET’S SEE WHAT THIS CRAZY BITCH GETS UP TO THIS TIME.

Paparazzi starts playing, and thats awesome cos it’s totally my favorite song from the album, whatever whatever. She looks psychotic, as always. Her voice is so good. I hate her. Her voice is SO GOOD. Once she takes off the weird ass mask she’s wearing, she actually looks pretty good. For Lady Gaga, anyway. Luckily, her hair is still mostly covering her fugface. AND I MISSED SOMETHING COS NOW SHE’S SUDDENLY COVERED IN BLOOD? I swear, I blink once and bitch goes crazy. Well, that ended weirdly.

Oh, Lady G. You were looking so good.

UNTIL THIS.

OH MY GOD, I CANNOT EVEN EXPLAIN WHAT LADY GAGA IS WEARING RIGHT NOW AFTER THE COMMERCIAL BREAK. OH MY GOD, SOMEONE BETTER PHOTOGRAPH HER SO I CAN POST IT. SHE IS COVERED HEAD TO TOE IN RED LACE. WITH A RED LACE CROWN. WHAT THE HELL?

Nelly Furtado and Kristin Cavallari come out to present Best Pop Video. Nominees: Beyonce for Single Ladies. Lady Gaga for Poker Face, Britney Spears for Womanizer, Cobra Starship for Good Girls Go Bad, and Wisin Y Yandel for Abusadora (what? who?). Nelly is speaking in Portuguese for who knows what reason. AND BRITNEY WINS. And people are actually booing. Wowwww, guys. Hey Kanye, wanna get up and bitch some more? Actually, I guess not, since he STORMED OUT after Taylor’s win. Wowwww.

Adam Brody and Megan Fox come out. Adam, I love you. Megan, go die in a fire. They introduce Green Day, and I’m wondering if this year we’re gonna have more performances than awards. So far, 5 performances, 3 awards. Uhhhh, okay, MTV.

I have nothing to say about this performance. Shrug!

Oh, Green Day

NEW REAL WORLD/ROAD RULES CHALLENGE THIS MONTH. HECK YES.

Omg Pitbull is at the VMAs?! That’s so weird.

Ugh New Moon trailer time. I have to go poop or something.

AGH CHACE CRAWFORD AND NE-YO. Ne-Yo is actually my Chris Brown replacement, since we can no longer love Chris Brown, as you know. And Chace Crawford for me is the man all other men will have to live up to, so yeah. Love them!

Aaaand, seriously, now its Beyonce’s performance. Are there ANY awards being handed out this year?

Oh B. You look so good. I hate you. She’s doing some jacked up version of Single Ladies. And then the real music starts and lady is up with her leotard girls doing THE DANCE. Heck yes! I love how everytime I see this dance, I try to recreate it as if I have any rhythm at all. Whatever whatever.  There is like an army of sexy robot women doing THE DANCE (it has to be capitalized like that okay?).

ARMY OF SINGLE HOTTIES. HOLD ON TO YOUR PANTS, MENZ. Look at B's face, I LOVE IT.

Diddy and Jamie Lynn Zigler come out to present Best Male Video, and Jamie Lynn’s dress is CUUUUTE. Diddy mentions Kanye and the entire auditorium starts booing and chanting TAYLOR, and it makes me laugh really hard. Nominees: Eminem for We Made You, Jay Z for DOA, TI & Rihanna for Live Your Life, Kanye West for Love Lockdown WHATEVER. More booing, hilariously. Ne-Yo for Miss Independent. Isn’t that song, like, really old? The winner is TI! Yessss.

Another performance. Wow, dude. WOW. Oh, it’s Muse. That’s cute. I haven’t heard anything from them since Absolution. Alas! Alexa Chung and Gerard Butler introduce them. I didn’t know who Alexa Chung was until like 3 weeks ago when Lauren Collins and Adamo Ruggiero from Degrassi were on her show, cos clearly I’m really out of touch, but shes adorable.

They just showed a clip of All American Rejects performing that Give You Hell song, and Tyson Ritter is positively COVERED in body glitter, and it made me IRL LOL because I recently stumbled across a tumblr dedicated to Tyson Ritter’s body glitter, and didn’t really get it, UNTIL NOW.

Jennifer Lopez comes out next to present Best Hip Hop Video. Nominees: Eminem for We May Be, Flo-Rida for Right Round, and that video and song are RETARDED, just fyi. Kanye West for Love Lockdown, and people are STILL booing. That’s not even Hip Hop. Jay Z for DOA. Asher Roth for I Love College, which makes me laugh cos, whatever whatever, I totally love that crappy song. Eminem wins,  and looks totally miserable as usual. So does J.Lo, actually. Hilarious. Eminem’s face still looks weird.

Speaking of Eminem, he and Tracy Morgan come out to announce Best New Artist. Nominees are Lady Gaga, Asher Roth, Kid Cudi, and 3OH!3. Tracy Morgan starts singing TIME AFTER TIME, and I giggle. And the winner: Lady Gaga. OMG YES THANK GOD, BECAUSE I WANT YOU ALL TO SEE THE GETUP SHE IS CURRENTLY WEARING AHAHAHA OH MY GOD. SHE’S SO WEIRD.

Gaga, you are so weird.

Aahahaha and then she peels that red lace off her facce and knocks that stupid crown to the floor, thank goodness. She says this award is for God, and the gays. ahahaha. Oh, Lady G.

Serena Williams comes out to announce P!nk, and I could not care less, honestly. I don’t dislike the lady, but all her music sounds the same to me, man. Also, her left boob is exposed aside from a heart-shaped pasty. That’s.. random. She’s doing some crazy acrobat performance. Okay, that’s pretty cool, not gonna lie. Now she and her sexy acrobat partner are swinging back and forth and that lady is gonna go flying in a second, I swear.

Oh, P!nk.

FYI, Pink and Shakira hilariously wore the same damn dress tonight:

Who wore it better: Pink?

Or Shakira?

Personally, I like Shakira’s hardcore boots with that skimpy little dress, so I think she wins this one. Sorry, Pink!

Jimmy Fallon and Andy Samberg come out to present Video of the Year. Nominees: Beyonce for Single Ladies, Eminem for We Made You, Lady Gaga for Poker Face, Kanye West for Love Lockdown, Britney Spears for Womanizer. I’m pullin’ for Beyonce for this one, just cos I really think she deserves at least one for that video, man. OH FINALLY YES SHE GOT IT. HECK YES, BEYONCE WINS BEST VIDEO. OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS GAGA WEARING THIS TIME? OMG AHAHAHA

Ok sorry. AW. BEYONCE JUST CALLED TAYLOR ONTO THE STAGE TO HAVE HER MOMENT. AW! BEYONCE I LOVE YOU.

Jay Z is coming out to perform now with Alicia Keys. I love him. YEAH, WHATEVER, I LOVE HIM. Classic performance, but I really have nothing to say. Oh well!

Okay, guys. It’s over. I’m still looking for a few more photos, but True Blood is on so I’m just gonna friggen post this. Thanks for stickin’ with me during this SPAZFACED liveblog. Leave comments telling me what you thought of the show! Personally, I think it was a giant step up from the past few years, but still not as classic as some of the better ceremonies of the 90’s. Oh well. Overall, I’m pleased.

Have a good night!